TITLE: Anger and Starting Again
AUTHOR: Eugene Wallingford
DATE: March 25, 2009  4:16 PM
DESC: 
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BODY:
While running yesterday, I was thinking back to my
entry on
<A HREF="http://www.cs.uni.edu/~wallingf/blog/archives/monthly/2009-03.html#e2009-03-22T14_30_13.htm">
   starting again</A>.
I say in that entry that having reach a certain level
of accomplishment, however meager, makes starting over
tough.  It's not the same as a newcomer starting from
scratch; in some objective sense the newcomer faces a
bigger challenge.  But starting over creates a new
sort of psychological hurdle that adds to the physical
challenge.  When you've run 60-mile weeks and 10x800m
speed workouts, trying to string together 3-mile runs
on consecutive days can be, well, demoralizing.

My mind then wandered of to a message from a reader
who is former student.  He sent me a note in response
to
<A HREF="http://www.cs.uni.edu/~wallingf/blog/archives/monthly/2008-12.html#e2008-12-28T21_34_06.htm">
   Small Surprises While Grading</A>
that went far beyond the specific surprises I
mentioned -- great stuff on what had been in his mind
while taking the course.  I thought of this specific
comment:

<BLOCKQUOTE><EM>
I'm not sure why [there were so many 0s in the course
gradebook], but every assignment left me in a bad mood.
My mood after each assignment was worse than the previous
one.  The second to last assignment I did well on, but
left me angrier than I have been in a long time.
</EM></BLOCKQUOTE>

I wonder if part of this student's bad mood and anger
comes from the same thing I'm feeling while running?
He is a successful programmer, nearing the end of
his undergraduate work.  Then this course comes along
and changes the rules: functional programming, Scheme,
recursion, language grammars.  Maybe he felt like he
was starting over.  Knowing what it felt like to master
a programming language, to whip out programs, and to
feel good after an assignment, perhaps this experience
felt all the more painful, all the more insurmountable.

Though I have thought back to his message several times
in the last couple of months, I didn't know to ask him
this question until now.  I'll ask.  But regardless
of his answer, I think the feeling I have occasionally
while running these days gives me insight to what some
students might be feeling.

I also now realize consciously one advantage that I
have as a runner who "has reached the mountaintop" over
a brand new runner: I know what it feels like to break
through the barrier.

<BLOCKQUOTE><EM>
One of the more remarkable experiences on a race course
is the dramatic deliverance from the depths of discomfort
to the rebirth of spirit, endurance, and performance.
There's nothing like breaking through the pain barrier,
and finding a better and stronger runner on the other side.

-- from a Running Times article on endurance runner
<A HREF="http://www.dreamchaserevents.com/lisasmithbatchen/badwater_thankyou.htm">
   Lisa Smith-Batchen</A>
</EM></BLOCKQUOTE>

Knowing <B>that</B> feeling is how I put the feeling of
re-climbing the mountain in perspective, why any sense
of despair seems to evaporate as quickly as it condenses
in my mind.  I <I>will</I> get back to long runs and
faster times.  The newbie may not be so confident.

Oh, and as for learning CS:  If many students feel what
my correspondent says he felt, or if a few students feel
that way often, then that is probably sign of a failure
in the design of our curriculum, or of my course.  I
don't mind that students feel uncomfortable for a while
as they learn; that is both natural and necessary.
Anger and despair are another matter.
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